Prologue: For those of you who have read this column in its previous iterations, it has always been clear that I am trying to write a goofy, satirical, and hopefully humorous column. I have vacillated on the tone I would use for this column. There is an argument for me to maintain the silliness as hopefully something that would lighten our day a bit amidst the continuing isolation or disappointing news. However, some of your questions were far more serious than normal which tells me some of you are craving a little more information. Therefore, I have decided to write two columns, one meant to hit each goal.
This is the funny column…or at least it is meant to be the funny column.
Donald Paige is an advice columnist for The Chronicle. His qualifications include watching a lot of TV shows where a main character gives advice at the end (Full House, Boy Meets World) and he once took a psychology course in high school. He also learned to type 45 words per minute in high school.
Question 1: “A concerned Hypochondriac” asks: “ How do I keep my pets safe from Covid? Can my goldfish get it??
I am glad you asked. I watched a video on social distancing while I was zooming my class at the same time that I was teaching my kindergartner how to do “handwriting without tears”. Though I was doing all three things at once, I think I gleaned enough of it to understand.
First, your goldfish should not be going to any goldfish bars or major social gatherings. This includes next week’s Wrestlemania. However, I have recently found out that Roman Reigns pulled out of Wrestlemania. He was supposed to fight Goldberg and I have heard that a “Goldberg” vs. “Goldfish” match would be a huge draw. If your goldfish is willing to wrestle Goldberg that would be deemed “essential travel”.
Second, your goldfish should not be within 10 feet of any other goldfish. However, I think the 10 feet rule is just for humans, so if we scale it down to goldfish it would be something like 8 inches? That means the goldfish can only communicate with its goldboyfriend or goldgirlfriend by goldFacetime (which is a Facetime just for goldfish).
Lastly, make sure that your goldfish only goes to Publix during the goldfish special times, which are currently 3:00am to 7:00am. If you are wondering why they get so much extra time compared to other people, it is predominantly a function of having to flood the entire grocery store so they can swim around and then unflood the store for human patrons.
Question 2: Patrick Star asks: “Is mayonnaise an instrument?”
Oh Patrick…you done did it. You asked the unanswerable. Socrates couldn’t tackle this question…Confucious had sleepless nights thinking about it….even the Magical Realism novels of Gabriel Garcia Marquez felt that it was too impossible a concept to elucidate through human language.
So here goes…I am assuming by “instrument” you mean that which creates music. In 2020, music is simply any creation of sounds, regardless of rules or aesthetic. If Beethoven felt it was okay to ignore parallel fifths, you better believe nowadays we are ignoring parallel everything. So, if all music has to do is create sound, then I feel it is an instrument. This is particularly true for Mr. Schneider who has a personal aversion to mayonnaise. This aversion is so deep that when I once heard him make a horrible noise that was caused by viewing me eat mayonnaise.
I remember it fondly. The date was January 8th, 1 BC (Before Covid, so this year). I got a Boar’s Head Ultimate Pub Sub, and I told the clerk to mayo the heck out of that thing. The sandwich came to school for me to eat, which I took out in front of Mr. Schneider while he ate his lunch. At one point, I took an overly aggressive sandwich bite (we have all done it when it comes to Pub Subs) and a big glob of mayonnaise dangled ever so elegantly from the side of my mouth. Upon seeing this, Mr. Schneider made a noise that could only be described as the word “mbehtchluuuuuu” said in the key of “C”.
Therefore…mayonnaise is an instrument.