Advice With Mr.Paige

By: Mr.Paige

Donald Paige is an advice columnist for The Chronicle.  His qualifications include watching a lot of TV shows where a main character gives advice at the end (Full House, Boy Meets World) and he once took a psychology course in high school.

Question 1: How would a dog wear pants?

This is the most important question that I have ever been asked to address, and I was once in charge of nuclear missiles.  If I might be philosophical for a second, what is a “pant”? Plato would argue that the “ideal form” of a pant is any piece of cloth that covers the legs,  In that scenario, a dog would have to choose the first option. However, that supposes that a dog is familiar with, and subscribes to, Platonic epistemology.  Maybe the dog believes in Aristotelian knowledge proofs? Or maybe the dog is just a dog and doesn’t know about either? Either way, I think we have to abandon the philosophical proof.

So this brings us back to what we know about dogs.  Dogs like to chase things, lick things, or bite things.  With that criteria, a dog would choose only the second pant wearing option because it gives the animal the optimal mobility for chases.  You can’t run down a car, rabbit, or squirrel with pants on all four legs. But once again, we have entered a logic conundrum. If a dog wants to chase things, why would it wear pants at all?  Canine nudity is the most aerodynamic option for pursuit. Therefore a dog would not wear pants at all b/c it restricts its greater goal, which is to chase things.

But, sometimes we creatures do things that are against our best interests.  We become self-destructive or we self-sabotage…if this dog happened to be going through a period of self-loathing, then he would probably wear pants over his head so he can’t chase anything…with the idea that he doesn’t “deserve” to catch that car, rabbit, or squirrel.

So, to answer your question, where a dog would wear pants dependent upon their self-esteem.

Question 2: What is the most creative and resourceful way to use a tie when stranded in a desert? 

Okay…this is a great question.  I have a few follow up questions that I’ll have to ignore (Why are you stranded in a desert?  Why do you have a tie with you?) and jump straight to the answer. The absolutely most creative and resourceful way to use a tie in the desert is for a job interview.  Think about it…you are wandering the desert…you are thirsty, have some possible heat exhaustion…it’s awful. Any normal person would take the tie off and either use it as a headband, a mouth cover, or to create a trap to ensnare a small desert creature with hopes of finding key sustenance.  But you…you…you kept it on. You are staying formal and prepared for work. That is the sign that you are ready for anything at work.

So…if you are stranded in the desert with a tie, just keep wearing it.  If you run into any job recruiters you will be thankful that you are wearing it.

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