Mr.Paige’s Advice Column

Donald Paige is an advice columnist for The Chronicle.  His qualifications include watching a lot of TV shows where a main character gives advice at the end (Full House, Boy Meets World) and he once took a psychology course in high school.  He also learned to type 45 words per minute in high school.

Question 1: sullarom asks, “Is it true that a universal uniform will be worn by faculty and students alike?”  

Well sullarom, I was hoping to make a more universal announcement, but the cat is out of the bag so I might as well come clean.  Yes, it is our plan to create a universal required uniform for all humans on campus by 2024. Let me give you some of the details:

1.  Hip waders: Due to the rise water levels of Earth, we are going to require all students to wear hip waders.  All of the rooms on the first floor will constantly have 1 to 2 feet of standing water, so you will need these boots and waders to get around.  Of course, they must have the Shorecrest emblem on them.

2.  Wonder Woman wrist bangles: Students and faculty must be prepared for anything in the modern world.  Based on my watching of the Wonder Woman movies, Ares might strike at any time to wreak havoc and chaos in our lands.  To protect ourselves, we will all have the wrist bangles that seem to block everything that are thrown at us. Please note, due to Florida law only teachers may have a lasso of truth.

3.  Head Bands: Studies show that sweat getting into your eyes can limit your ability to read texts.  Therefore, all students/faculty will be issued required headbands (with the Shorecrest emblem on them).  

Here’s a mockup. (Please note we will be wearing shirts…cover the cylinder!)

Question 2: TikTokWannaBe writes: How can get tik tok famous?

Okay…this is simple.  The internet loves essentially four things.  If you put them all in your Tik Tok you will explode the internet.

1.  Cats – I don’t get it, but people do love them.  Especially when cats act like people. Find a cat whose general expression is “Meh” and then make sure they are in the video.


3.  People who have just come from oral surgery and are asked to answer questions.  This a huge one right now…

4.  Falling down horribly and becoming part of the “fail army”, or knocking over very large things.

So, to get Tik Tok famous, follow these steps.  Go get oral surgery. Immediately afterwards, have some hand you a “meh” expression cat and go to a warehouse facility.  Start dancing to a song, but make sure to be on top of a fork lift that knocks over like 4000 bottles of soda at the end.  Then, go into the video and write in meme font:

Enjoy your newfound fame, and be sure to come visit us little people when it all comes down.

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