It’s not just any cookie. It’s a nice, soft, sprinkled sugar cookie from Publix that’s not even stale! Maybe you can sneak a few if you’re here early. If you’re really lucky, I won’t have much to talk about, and you can just take a couple to go. 

     Nevermind, you’re not getting a cookie. 

     Not from me, at least. But, if you’re a well-rounded student, there’s a good shot you’ll see a couple at meetings for the Gender Empowerment Club or Human Rights Club this week anyway. 

     And I’ve already got you here, so you might as well stick around to see why I dare lie about free food. 

     Unfortunately, it’s not surprising that 80 percent of surveyed US students said that the clubs they actively participate in regularly provide them with good food. 

     Students were also asked if there are any clubs they signed up for this year but haven’t actively participated in. Of everyone who said “yes,” 76 percent stated they were rarely given any of their favorite snacks at those meetings. Sure, there are lots of reasons to drop a club, but that reason is hard to deny! 

     It can be easy to underestimate the passion shared within the Shorecrest community for high-quality treats. But, for junior Caleb Williams, there might be nothing more important. 

     “I would commit an unspeakable amount of crimes if you gave me a lifetime supply of those circle sugar cookies,” he said. “If Publix or Walmart [stopped selling] those cookies, then I would be on an FBI watchlist for the lengths I would go to track down whoever made that decision.” 

     Honestly, as drastic as it might sound, I understand. Think about it: what happens if you get into your top college…but it’s in the Northeast? Or out west? What about overseas? 

     How can you be sure the Walmart bakery section will taste the same? And don’t even ask about Publix cookies—you can

only find those in eight US states. 

     “I had five [Publix cookies] today,” said sophomore and cookie enthusiast Margo Armstrong. “If I was about to be arrested, and they’re like, ‘Oh, here’s some Publix sugar cookies, confess to the murder.’ I would take the Publix sugar cookies. I mean, I’m just kidding, but not really.”

     What can we do instead of confessing to murder? Not much other than boycott. Ditch GSI, don’t get the STEAM Certificate, drop your AP classes. 

     Honestly, why go to college? They don’t give you free food, so why should you go? That’ll show them. 

     Maybe one day you’ll be living your best life, never having to have gone through the tedious effort of higher education, still at home with as many cookies as your parents will buy you. 

     Then you’ll look back and realize you beat the system. You won.

* Disclaimer: The Chronicle ALWAYS has really yummy free snacks!